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You probably know them too: difficult people not just during a training or a workshop, but also at the office or in volunteer organizations.
They’re the know-it-alls, the pushy types, the control freaks, the underminers, the saboteurs, the energy drainers, the downers, the show-offs, the victims, the avoiders, and… the enthusiastic ones…!
Wait a minute… the enthusiastic one? That’s me!
Am I a difficult person?
That realization hit me during a presentation by Iris Kolthoff. She’s a psychologist, trainer, and co-author of the book No-nonsense Trainen (currently only available in Dutch). She’s fascinated by relationship dynamics—both in professional and private life.
Well, I can see how I might come across as ‘difficult’ being a cheerful guy. I like to share things, I laugh (too) loudly, and I ask a lot of questions. Spontaneous bursts of joy. My family sometimes gets annoyed by it, but I had never realized that I might come across as a difficult person.
When I give trainings and workshops, I also recognize the difficult people. Often it’s the clowns who keep cracking jokes, the ones chatting with others, or those who demonstratively cross their arms to show they’re not participating.
What can you do as a trainer?
As a trainer or facilitator, you have a few different options on how to deal with difficult people:
- You can ignore the behavior (referred to in the book as “moles”)
- You can cut it off firmly (take the “macho” approach)
- You can be kind and accommodating (in other words: “mothering”)
- Or you can take a mature approach
Each option has its pros and cons and doesn’t always work. But responding maturely is often the best path.
Empathy is key
Difficult behavior often comes from stress caused by an unmet need.
Something you say or do in your training triggers someone. They start to focus on it, and unrest begins to build. That unrest can lead to emotions like anger, fear, sadness, shame, or even exaggerated cheerfulness.
And that results in certain behavior: pushing, asking constant (critical) questions, or saying yes while doing no.
If you can recognize the unmet need, you can work with it.
And it begins with a simple yet confronting question: Is someone really being difficult, or is that just how you perceive it?
I tend to notice it quickly, because I’m sensitive. So maybe it’s actually about me. Show empathy for others and yourself.
The SCARF Model as a Tool
What can help is David Rock’s SCARF model. It helps identify five basic needs of (difficult) people, and what you might do about them.
🟠 Status
There’s ambiguity in the hierarchy. Think of the CEO attending your workshop or a subject matter expert joining your training. These people crave recognition and appreciation.
My good friend Marius once had to give a presentation at the education museum about the Inuit while an expert in the audience—someone who regularly visited Greenland—was announced in advance. Marius warmly welcomed the expert and even gave him the stage at the beginning.
The result? A successful session for both.
🟡 Certainty
These individuals feel uneasy when things are unclear. They crave predictability and structure. They want to know where they stand: When is lunch? What are the assignments?
So: provide clear context—and stick to it. If you’re running out of time, ask the group if they prefer to cut the topic short or postpone lunch.
🔵 Autonomy
These people want to make their own choices. They struggle with micromanagement and want to maintain control over their work.
🟢 Relatedness
When people don’t feel connected, resistance builds, and they can become “difficult.”
That could be me, with my overly enthusiastic behavior. I want to belong and be acknowledged.
So, create a safe environment. For example, agree that everything shared within the group stays in the group.
⚖️ Fairness
These individuals tend to act out when they perceive something as unfair. If there’s favoritism or vague rules, it can create frustration. They perceive injustice or arbitrariness.
Here, transparency is key.
A SCARF is a shawl
For me, the scarf symbolizes all the behaviors people exhibit when their needs aren’t being met. It’s a stress behavior.
As a trainer, my job isn’t to judge that behavior but to discover what’s underneath it—and to gently invite someone to take off their metaphorical scarf.
The key is in recognition
- The know-it-all or the pusher craves acknowledgment and appreciation
- The downer or the energy drainer needs connection and emotional safety
- The control freak seeks certainty (“When is lunch?”)
And what if you are the difficult one?
Of course, you can’t meet everyone’s needs all the time.
Focus on behaviors that disrupt the group process or occur repeatedly.
There’s always an external trigger that affects someone’s internal thoughts.
This creates an emotional response—like anxiety, restlessness, or insecurity—which leads to outward stress behavior.
That behavior then becomes a new trigger for yourself or someone else.
And so a never-ending loop begins: a lemniscate, or “interaction figure eight,” as I call it. It is presented in the figure below.
You can break that loop by identifying the core question through discussion.
Or sometimes, by stepping away when the behavior crosses a boundary.
And me?
When I realized that I, too, could be seen as a difficult person, I was able to recognize the underlying need within myself: to belong, to be loved, and to be seen.
That gave me peace. Someone even told me I came across as much more grounded.
Of course, I remain cheerful and enthusiastic. But I’m now more aware: is this real, intrinsic joy? Or is one of my needs not being met, and what can I do about that?
How do you deal with difficult people (including yourself)?
Let me know in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you—and so would other readers. Thank you for reading all the way through. If this article resonated with you, please share it with your colleagues, friends, or family.
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Source: No-nonsense Trainen by Anne de Jong, Nadia van der Vlies & Iris Kolthoff
